Anita's London Life

A blog about my experiences of being a creative chasing her dreams in London Town



Something You Should Know About Me…

So when you see me on the outside what do you see? Maybe you see a blonde young woman, smiling maybe, bubbly, sometimes acting silly, laughing, confident, outgoing. An extrovert who can talk to almost anyone, turning strangers into friends. My social media constantly shows me working on projects, teaching, smiling, dancing, a nice photo-shoot here an airbrushed headshot there. I am doing well! So here’s something you might learn about me.

I am lonely: there I said it. It’s something I’m really embarrassed about. Why should I be!? I feel guilty because I have good friends and family in my life, what is missing? It feels like I am failing at something in life. I am someone who tries to thrive at everything, a perfectionist: I always had top grades in school, I won “The Student of the Year “ award when I graduated from High School. I attended many prestigious dance schools on scholarship and was in full time dance training since I was 13 years old. I was in the top sets for all the subjects at dance college. I’ve always been able to get along with almost anyone and I have good friends, but there has been something missing for a while now.

I am 26 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in one and have never been against finding someone but it feels as though I can never find the right person at the right time. I have gone on lots of dates and casually dated a few people but it always turns out that they “don’t want a relationship” or they “don’t see us going anywhere”. In all honesty it feels as though every person I meet just wants to know me for a physical relationship… and at first that’s fun but then it just hurts, because it just feels as if i’m being used again and again.

I was never even interested in meeting somebody until my early 20s: it was always dance first before everything! But now, as the years go by, I beginning to notice an empty feeling inside of me that is beginning to slowly increase, to the point where I just can’t ignore it anymore. The night-time is the worst. I am so lonely, and no matter how much time I spend with friends or how much self-love I practice, it is really eating me up inside. When I feel extreme emotions, I tend to write notes on my phone, just to move what I’m feeling to something more literal. Below is an extract of a note I wrote on my phone back in June 2018 and it’s funny because it is still so relevant to how I feel now:

“It turns into a routine, everyday the same thing, wake up alone, travel alone, take class alone, eat alone, in my head all the time listening to the voices because there are no real voices. I spend time with people and then return home, to be alone again. The superficial chatter, the fake laughs, the food which keeps me full because I feel empty all the time. The hot drink which gives me temporary warmth because I feel cold all the time.

I feel so disconnected from everyone: I walk through Victoria Station surrounded by hundreds of people and feel like I can’t hear any of them, I’m at a bar being pushed around by a throng of people and I can’t feel them.

I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take. “

“This too shall pass” is something I tell myself to remind myself that life goes up and down, and without the lows there would be no highs, but I will admit that this particular chapter of my life is difficult and I’m not sure when the last page will be.

I’m young, I’m told by people that I’m talented, attractive, intelligent and I should be living life to the full and having fun, but that’s just the pressure of Instagram/Social Media and of being in your 20s: We are constantly told to be grateful, to be positive, to thrive, to meditate, to grow, to improve and to manifest, but sometimes I feel I’m doing all these things and they are just covering the bigger problem: What is going on inside? I’m scared to face it, to face the darkness of depression and fear of anxiety. I am scared of myself. Scared to face the loneliness.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with the people I meet? Everyone’s books are closed and mine is open ready for a new story, but for now all the pages keep getting ripped out.

Photo Credit: Ph.bylu

Featured post

The Day After A Show

The day after a show always feels the same; I feel exhausted but so alive. My muscles are aching and still tingling from the night before, my mind is unsettled, not much sleep from going over steps, corrections and numerous moments that happened in the weeks leading up to yesterday.  There is a buzz in the air, a feeling of exhilaration and accomplishment, I feel happy, I feel complete.

The day after a show is a day of complete bliss for me, it’s the day in between the excitement of the performance and the day of “what next?” Time stops and I can just enjoy that my hard work has paid off and that I am doing what I love; performing. I feel useful; that my life has meaning once again; So this is why I train over 20 hours a week?! If it is, then all the moments of self doubt, pain and frustration are so worth it.

This particular show; The Spring Professional Semester Showcase really had an impact on me; first of all, I felt so free and happy when I was on stage, as cheesy as it sounds there were times when I felt like I was flying! However, it was the positive feedback I received from peers, friends and teachers which really shocked me, all that was going through my head was “Me!? Really..? You’re talking about me? and not someone else?” I guess like many performers, I doubt myself a lot….. I really need to stop doing that. I was in fact so shocked ( and probably the adrenaline too) that the rest of the evening I was shaking, and had absolutely no appetite (friends that know me will know that’s a rare occurrence) and was doing Grand Jetes on the sidewalk whilst singing “Bring on the men”at midnight, maybe this was the cause of my fatigue the next day, just a thought.

The weeks leading up to the showcase (in other words the month of April) were challenging. I am a believer that bad things come in groups and so do good things. It just so happened that during the month of April, the universe decided to throw quite a few unhelpful things at me; I had managed to get sick, then I had four separate injuries (don’t ask me how!), my grandmother became quite ill and a few relationships were on the rocks, there were other minor things too but the point is I got through it, I felt like I managed to take all of it in my stride and in the end I had a great showcase. What I learnt this month was to take time to look after my body outside of dance classes, which may seem obvious, but I’ve always been one of those dancers that says “I’ll be fine, I don’t need to do anything extra”. Well, turns out I do. So now, I roll out and stretch my muscles on a daily basis and I’m feeling like my body is thanking me for it!

Now, I’ve got through the tougher weeks, I feel like the universe is throwing me some nicer things now, and I’m definitely appreciating every single one of them!

Anyway, that’s all for the month of April, very soon I will be writing another post for May….

and it may be my last in NYC. I can’t bear to think of it, but all good things must end one day and new good things will begin again,

Anita xxx






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