So when you see me on the outside what do you see? Maybe you see a blonde young woman, smiling maybe, bubbly, sometimes acting silly, laughing, confident, outgoing. An extrovert who can talk to almost anyone, turning strangers into friends. My social media constantly shows me working on projects, teaching, smiling, dancing, a nice photo-shoot here an airbrushed headshot there. I am doing well! So here’s something you might learn about me.
I am lonely: there I said it. It’s something I’m really embarrassed about. Why should I be!? I feel guilty because I have good friends and family in my life, what is missing? It feels like I am failing at something in life. I am someone who tries to thrive at everything, a perfectionist: I always had top grades in school, I won “The Student of the Year “ award when I graduated from High School. I attended many prestigious dance schools on scholarship and was in full time dance training since I was 13 years old. I was in the top sets for all the subjects at dance college. I’ve always been able to get along with almost anyone and I have good friends, but there has been something missing for a while now.
I am 26 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in one and have never been against finding someone but it feels as though I can never find the right person at the right time. I have gone on lots of dates and casually dated a few people but it always turns out that they “don’t want a relationship” or they “don’t see us going anywhere”. In all honesty it feels as though every person I meet just wants to know me for a physical relationship… and at first that’s fun but then it just hurts, because it just feels as if i’m being used again and again.
I was never even interested in meeting somebody until my early 20s: it was always dance first before everything! But now, as the years go by, I beginning to notice an empty feeling inside of me that is beginning to slowly increase, to the point where I just can’t ignore it anymore. The night-time is the worst. I am so lonely, and no matter how much time I spend with friends or how much self-love I practice, it is really eating me up inside. When I feel extreme emotions, I tend to write notes on my phone, just to move what I’m feeling to something more literal. Below is an extract of a note I wrote on my phone back in June 2018 and it’s funny because it is still so relevant to how I feel now:
“It turns into a routine, everyday the same thing, wake up alone, travel alone, take class alone, eat alone, in my head all the time listening to the voices because there are no real voices. I spend time with people and then return home, to be alone again. The superficial chatter, the fake laughs, the food which keeps me full because I feel empty all the time. The hot drink which gives me temporary warmth because I feel cold all the time.
I feel so disconnected from everyone: I walk through Victoria Station surrounded by hundreds of people and feel like I can’t hear any of them, I’m at a bar being pushed around by a throng of people and I can’t feel them.
I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take. “
“This too shall pass” is something I tell myself to remind myself that life goes up and down, and without the lows there would be no highs, but I will admit that this particular chapter of my life is difficult and I’m not sure when the last page will be.
I’m young, I’m told by people that I’m talented, attractive, intelligent and I should be living life to the full and having fun, but that’s just the pressure of Instagram/Social Media and of being in your 20s: We are constantly told to be grateful, to be positive, to thrive, to meditate, to grow, to improve and to manifest, but sometimes I feel I’m doing all these things and they are just covering the bigger problem: What is going on inside? I’m scared to face it, to face the darkness of depression and fear of anxiety. I am scared of myself. Scared to face the loneliness.
Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with the people I meet? Everyone’s books are closed and mine is open ready for a new story, but for now all the pages keep getting ripped out.
Photo Credit: Ph.bylu