I’m getting real with you. I’m not perfect. But this blog is about a feeling that has been in my heart for a long time and its time to express.

On Sunday, I went to a seminar and this gem of knowledge was passed onto me and I can’t stop thinking about it, and now I want to pass it on to you.

“People are constantly showing you who they are”

I’m upset, I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I question, I analyse, then I get upset again and the cycle re-starts. My biggest constant question towards people is “WHY?”. This past year as I have started “adult” life,  I have been surprised by a lot of people; I have been surprised to find out that many people’s actions don’t match up to their words, I have been surprised to find out that I have been used, I have been cut out of people’s lives. That people who I thought were “Friends” are the same people who don’t answer my messages, never interact with me via social media and other messaging platforms (I’m not being superficial; because lets face it, we all know that social media is a big deal now), “friends” that never reach out to me to ask how I am, no messages, no calls, I have come to realise that the sad reality is, many people are just not that bothered. And I am way too bothered; here I am on the other end, giving my fellow artists and friends as much support as I can, reaching out to the people I care about whether they live next door or across the ocean, because I care. Too much. And I am left feeling like an idiot.

I am sitting on my couch writing this because this feeling has been inside of me the past few months and it’s been building and building and now I’ve just got to express myself, somehow, and maybe this is the only neutral way I can.

I really try to be a person of my word, when I say I’m going to do something I will do it and if I don’t, I feel awful, because I have basically lied to myself. I just don’t understand how other people don’t feel the same.

I will also say that I am, by no means perfect! I have many flaws, and have hurt people in the past, unintentionally of course. But each time, I have held myself accountable and I have summed up the courage and apologized in the most honest  and open way possible. Because, I am genuinely sorry and knowing that I have hurt someone is one of the worst feelings ever.

Am I being Naive? Am I expecting too much? Am I too trusting? Probably. But I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and I hope that the people that have me as a friend would call me supportive, caring and loyal, just as they are to me.

I do have a trait that always sees the good in people even if they have bad qualities in them. Some would call this a quality and some would call it a flaw. People often call me “Too nice”, I have always said how can someone be too nice!? Now I am starting to understand.

“People are constantly showing you who they are”

I can get angry at these people that I’m letting hurt me, waste my energy getting upset, but at the end of the day, if I really think about it, these people showed that side of them to me many times, there were red flags, and each time I chose to ignore them, to see the good. But here I am left feeling like this, because I chose to turn a blind eye. These people, the words I chose to ignore, the feelings I suppressed, the lack of communication and investment, the flakiness, they were there all along, but I made excuses for them.

I cannot be angry at these people because I made the choice to keep investing in them even when they no longer invested in me. It’s my fault and it’s another life lesson that I have learnt. A difficult one that has caused me a lot of pain but a mistake I am learning from.

I wish I didn’t care so much about everything and everyone, but I’ve got to find a balance.

This lesson is showing me who my true friends are and I now have my eyes extra open to everyone that comes into my life. So I guess this is a thank you to those people; thank you for showing me what I don’t need in my life. I won’t be making excuses for anyone any more.

A big thank you and love to all of my incredible, genuine and amazing friends: you know who you are and I am so grateful for every single one of you.

Please keep bearing with me, as I grow, learn and change. Because I’m not perfect either.

Anita xx