I need to write. Even though I’m in London now, I feel like I need a space to process and record my experiences and this is it. 

Right now, I’m sitting on the makeshift bed on my friends floor, where I’ve been living for a month, it’s nearly midnight I’m exhausted from work, legs buckling on the way home. My forehead is hot from the heavy cold I’ve been battling for 2 weeks and my eyes are watery from the conjunctivitis I have. Yes, this is not one of my finest moments. 

To get the point, I’m unsettled. Yes, maybe from my social media accounts life looks great, I’m accomplishing many things but in reality I’m very lost and every day is a surprise, every step I’m taking blindly, in the dark, hoping it’s a step in the right direction. 

To be honest I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just pretending, trying to keep my head above the water. 

Can anyone relate? 

I’m sure a lot of young adults have/are going through this but you can’t help but feel alone. Lately, I’ve been very dependent on myself because in truth I am taking this journey completely on my own and only a very select few are there for me, and I mean really there for me. I’m learning a lot about people and how confusing they are, which is funny because at the end of the day we are all human beings, why can’t we just all be nice to each other and communicate openly without hidden agendas, mystery and dishonesty. 

Ever since I returned from NCY 5 months ago I’ve been fighting: numerous “normal”jobs, auditions, classes, courses, singing lessons, writing to agents, making new friends, losing old ones. I’ve had setbacks I would never have predicted ; personal and professional, and I keep going.

I’ve been trying to feel normal, but I just don’t. 

5 months on and truth be told, I miss nyc, I miss the energy and I miss the people. I have this rule with myself that I’ll only return when it’s all sorted, when I’ve got my sh*t together, but at the end of the day what does that even mean!?  And I know deep down that I should be focusing on the journey not the destination.

So, here I am, in no mans land; in between a place I love and a place I’m trying to love. Currently with no base I feel like I’m just floating in between everything.  I’m trying to figure it all out but there is this big fog around my head. (Maybe that’s the cold :p )

I know one day I’ll look back on this and realize “oh if that experience had never happened, I wouldn’t be where I am now”. I know deep down, that this is just a blip, a stage of uncertainty that everyone goes through. It’s making me more knowledgeable, stronger and more determined. I know that around the corner there are incredible things just about to happen, I just have to be patient, grateful and have faith. 

“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.”

Anita xxx