have i gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.” 
― Lewis CarrollAlice in Wonderland

When Alice fell down the rabbit hole she was hurt, lost and confused. That’s how I felt.

The day I fell into an unfamiliar world, onto the hard ground that’s where I was left. I didn’t ask for any of this and I wasn’t given an answer. So there I was, stuck in an unknown world like a scared little girl. I still feel her pain but it’s duller now, the shock however has only just started to settle in.

What happened? Why was I so alone? Why was I abandoned? Like a rag-doll on the floor, I fell, like a rag-doll on the floor, I was left. I look up to see the peering faces of mysterious characters; concern, curiosity, annoyance, surprise, amusement…. eyes glaring, judging, questioning me. Oh, how I wish I could answer you…. how I wish I could tell you what you want to hear but I cannot. I do not know. I am terrified, I am alone, I do not know who I am any-more. Everyone is so big, and I feel so small.

The strings of my puppet have been cut by an invisible hand, my eyelids are shut by an unknown source and my head is pushed forward by a powerful force; I am a slave to my body, trapped inside, my mind is conscious but my body is not, I feel as mad as a hatter.

The ground is my new friend, it catches me when I fall, it’s firm, it supports me, it’s always there, above ground, friends come and go, support and help does not linger, it is replaced by coldness and prejudice and I am washed away by a pool of my own tears.

To this day I question; Why? Why? Why? Why did you shout at me whilst I was crying on the floor, why did you tell me to “stand up” and “pull myself together”, why did you tell me I was “fine”, When I injured myself one day “Oh she actually has a real injury” Why did my friends disappear? Why did you think it was acceptable to treat someone like that? In what world do you abandon a sick person?

I was not fine.

All I wanted was a helping hand, someone to give me a magic potion which said “drink me” on it, a cure, because I had no idea what I was facing, I had no idea what was happening to me, if I did then I would have stopped suffering. Many people in this world choose to suffer; I am not one of them….. and I thought you knew that…

But you obviously did not.

The queen of hearts still rings in my ears; I will never forget the comments that were made, the numerous collapses in class, the thousands of feelings of fatigue and dizziness, the weakness in my body, the confusion in my mind, the pain in my soul, the loneliness in my heart, responded to with orders,

I was absolutely terrified and no one did anything.

Today, a new chapter is being written, I have been dealt a new set of playing cards. Alice did find her way back home but when Alice fell down the rabbit hole, for now, she cannot forget what was said and what was done.