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Anita's London Life

A blog about my experiences of being a creative chasing her dreams in London Town

Something You Should Know About Me…

So when you see me on the outside what do you see? Maybe you see a blonde young woman, smiling maybe, bubbly, sometimes acting silly, laughing, confident, outgoing. An extrovert who can talk to almost anyone, turning strangers into friends. My social media constantly shows me working on projects, teaching, smiling, dancing, a nice photo-shoot here an airbrushed headshot there. I am doing well! So here’s something you might learn about me.

I am lonely: there I said it. It’s something I’m really embarrassed about. Why should I be!? I feel guilty because I have good friends and family in my life, what is missing? It feels like I am failing at something in life. I am someone who tries to thrive at everything, a perfectionist: I always had top grades in school, I won “The Student of the Year “ award when I graduated from High School. I attended many prestigious dance schools on scholarship and was in full time dance training since I was 13 years old. I was in the top sets for all the subjects at dance college. I’ve always been able to get along with almost anyone and I have good friends, but there has been something missing for a while now.

I am 26 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in one and have never been against finding someone but it feels as though I can never find the right person at the right time. I have gone on lots of dates and casually dated a few people but it always turns out that they “don’t want a relationship” or they “don’t see us going anywhere”. In all honesty it feels as though every person I meet just wants to know me for a physical relationship… and at first that’s fun but then it just hurts, because it just feels as if i’m being used again and again.

I was never even interested in meeting somebody until my early 20s: it was always dance first before everything! But now, as the years go by, I beginning to notice an empty feeling inside of me that is beginning to slowly increase, to the point where I just can’t ignore it anymore. The night-time is the worst. I am so lonely, and no matter how much time I spend with friends or how much self-love I practice, it is really eating me up inside. When I feel extreme emotions, I tend to write notes on my phone, just to move what I’m feeling to something more literal. Below is an extract of a note I wrote on my phone back in June 2018 and it’s funny because it is still so relevant to how I feel now:

“It turns into a routine, everyday the same thing, wake up alone, travel alone, take class alone, eat alone, in my head all the time listening to the voices because there are no real voices. I spend time with people and then return home, to be alone again. The superficial chatter, the fake laughs, the food which keeps me full because I feel empty all the time. The hot drink which gives me temporary warmth because I feel cold all the time.

I feel so disconnected from everyone: I walk through Victoria Station surrounded by hundreds of people and feel like I can’t hear any of them, I’m at a bar being pushed around by a throng of people and I can’t feel them.

I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take. “

“This too shall pass” is something I tell myself to remind myself that life goes up and down, and without the lows there would be no highs, but I will admit that this particular chapter of my life is difficult and I’m not sure when the last page will be.

I’m young, I’m told by people that I’m talented, attractive, intelligent and I should be living life to the full and having fun, but that’s just the pressure of Instagram/Social Media and of being in your 20s: We are constantly told to be grateful, to be positive, to thrive, to meditate, to grow, to improve and to manifest, but sometimes I feel I’m doing all these things and they are just covering the bigger problem: What is going on inside? I’m scared to face it, to face the darkness of depression and fear of anxiety. I am scared of myself. Scared to face the loneliness.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with the people I meet? Everyone’s books are closed and mine is open ready for a new story, but for now all the pages keep getting ripped out.

Photo Credit: Ph.bylu

Featured post

My First Blog Post From NYC

So its now September 22nd and I have been in New York since 26th July; I have just realized in writing this that in four days time, I will have been in NYC for two months! How times flies when your having fun!

Of course I’m starting a blog due to my Kickstarter campaign as it was one of my rewards for backers, however I’m also starting a blog because I think it would be great to one day look back on all these experiences, and remember how exciting and incredible a time I had here; Because if i’m honest there is nothing in my life I could complain about right now, in fact things are pretty perfect, and how lucky is that!? I know that this is a special turning point in my life and that if i’m being realistic life won’t always be this easy. I know that due to the nature of life, cruel times will come but right now, I am trying to indulge and live in every single moment because I know that it won’t last forever. Sometimes, I breathe in the air in my room, look around me and realize how blessed I am to be living in Midtown, amongst the Broadway theaters, T.V studios and famous streets of NYC. I am so glad that you can’t predict the future, because whatever may be around the corner, in this chapter in my life I am living out my dream and I don’t anyone to ever wake me up.

Now, I also started a blog because I love to write; it is like therapy to me; every time I feel down I write all my thoughts and feelings down, and once I see what is in my mind written in pen on good old fashioned paper, I calm down…. “This is manageable” I say to myself, “I can handle this”, and I close my book and carry on with my day, uplifted, so I can’t wait to feel like this every time I write a new post.

fullsizerender

Anyway I hope you got a little sense of me from this introduction, I officially started on the ISVP program at Broadway Dance Center on 1st August and my next post will be about everything I have experienced so far here! And trust me it’s going to be exciting!

Anita xx

 

 

Featured post

People Are Constantly Showing You Who They Are.

I’m getting real with you. I’m not perfect. But this blog is about a feeling that has been in my heart for a long time and its time to express.

On Sunday, I went to a seminar and this gem of knowledge was passed onto me and I can’t stop thinking about it, and now I want to pass it on to you.

“People are constantly showing you who they are”

I’m upset, I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I question, I analyse, then I get upset again and the cycle re-starts. My biggest constant question towards people is “WHY?”. This past year as I have started “adult” life,  I have been surprised by a lot of people; I have been surprised to find out that many people’s actions don’t match up to their words, I have been surprised to find out that I have been used, I have been cut out of people’s lives. That people who I thought were “Friends” are the same people who don’t answer my messages, never interact with me via social media and other messaging platforms (I’m not being superficial; because lets face it, we all know that social media is a big deal now), “friends” that never reach out to me to ask how I am, no messages, no calls, I have come to realise that the sad reality is, many people are just not that bothered. And I am way too bothered; here I am on the other end, giving my fellow artists and friends as much support as I can, reaching out to the people I care about whether they live next door or across the ocean, because I care. Too much. And I am left feeling like an idiot.

I am sitting on my couch writing this because this feeling has been inside of me the past few months and it’s been building and building and now I’ve just got to express myself, somehow, and maybe this is the only neutral way I can.

I really try to be a person of my word, when I say I’m going to do something I will do it and if I don’t, I feel awful, because I have basically lied to myself. I just don’t understand how other people don’t feel the same.

I will also say that I am, by no means perfect! I have many flaws, and have hurt people in the past, unintentionally of course. But each time, I have held myself accountable and I have summed up the courage and apologized in the most honest  and open way possible. Because, I am genuinely sorry and knowing that I have hurt someone is one of the worst feelings ever.

Am I being Naive? Am I expecting too much? Am I too trusting? Probably. But I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and I hope that the people that have me as a friend would call me supportive, caring and loyal, just as they are to me.

I do have a trait that always sees the good in people even if they have bad qualities in them. Some would call this a quality and some would call it a flaw. People often call me “Too nice”, I have always said how can someone be too nice!? Now I am starting to understand.

“People are constantly showing you who they are”

I can get angry at these people that I’m letting hurt me, waste my energy getting upset, but at the end of the day, if I really think about it, these people showed that side of them to me many times, there were red flags, and each time I chose to ignore them, to see the good. But here I am left feeling like this, because I chose to turn a blind eye. These people, the words I chose to ignore, the feelings I suppressed, the lack of communication and investment, the flakiness, they were there all along, but I made excuses for them.

I cannot be angry at these people because I made the choice to keep investing in them even when they no longer invested in me. It’s my fault and it’s another life lesson that I have learnt. A difficult one that has caused me a lot of pain but a mistake I am learning from.

I wish I didn’t care so much about everything and everyone, but I’ve got to find a balance.

This lesson is showing me who my true friends are and I now have my eyes extra open to everyone that comes into my life. So I guess this is a thank you to those people; thank you for showing me what I don’t need in my life. I won’t be making excuses for anyone any more.

A big thank you and love to all of my incredible, genuine and amazing friends: you know who you are and I am so grateful for every single one of you.

Please keep bearing with me, as I grow, learn and change. Because I’m not perfect either.

Anita xx

10 things I have learnt in a year about being a professional artist

One year ago today I left NYC to return to London to finally put all my studies and knowledge to the test and enter the big bad world that we all call “The Industry”.

4 jobs, 3 moves , numerous rejections, making new friends, losing old ones, many feelings of frustration and tears later, I am here. I am going to be honest, it’s not been easy, at all. However, there are also great things that have happened to me this past year that make all the more difficult ones worth it. I thought, why not share my knowledge and what I have learnt with my fellow performers who are just about to leave college or have decided to take the leap and become “professional”, and even those of us who are more experienced, maybe you’ll learn something new or care to share some tips of your own.

Lets go!

1.) Be patient

Not all of us will be lucky enough to bag that contract as soon as we graduate, and that’s OK. Just because you are not employed yet does not take anything away from your talent, it just means the right thing hasn’t come along yet. This industry in one big waiting game; waiting for the agent, for the yes for a contract, for the right audition, the right opportunity. It can drive you crazy, but as long as you are doing something towards self growth (taking class, singing lessons, creating…) you are still putting yourself on the right track and you’ll be ready when that job does come along.

2.) Create your own work

I CAN NOT emphasize this enough! I feel this is what makes you an artist; Whilst you are waiting, unemployed, maybe feeling a little negative, put your feelings into some work! Choreograph, sing, write, vlog, film, draw… Anything that is allowing you to express yourself, you are a creative with your own voice after all, not just somebody’s puppet. You can do this for fun or if you are serious about being professionally creative, then create your own piece, get it showcased, get it filmed, spread the word, ask your fellow artists for inspiration and help, there are so many out there that will want to! Collaborate and you will meet like minded people. No one is stopping you from creating something, remember there is only ONE you, so whatever you create will not have been done before.

3.) Have structure

One thing I have learnt is that since you are no longer studying, there is no one telling you to get to class, to get up at a certain time, to eat certain things. At first its great, but then you realize that you’ve become lazy and unproductive and although before you were doing a lot in one day, now the simple task of getting up and getting ready is an accomplishment in itself.  Put a timetable in place for yourself, every Sunday plan your week and have a goal for the day, week and month and actively work towards it. I would highly recommend the book “the 12 week year”, this will give you everything you need to know about using time efficiently and structure.

4.) Inconsistency

I have learnt that there is no consistency whatsoever in the life of a performer. Your wages are inconsistent due to the varied contracts and jobs out there, your friends are inconsistent: now all of you are not studying together, everyone is located all around the world, or all around the UK, you all have different schedules so it’s difficult to meet up on a regular basis. The classes you take may be covered by a different teacher every week and the people that attend change every week too. This makes it difficult to make new friends and get a teacher to know you well. Your location could also change at any moment if you are offered a contract abroad. I would recommend trying to stick to at least one regular class a week, or regular gym session(s) a week just so you get a little consistency somewhere in your schedule, even organizing with a friend that every Sunday you’ll call each other will help you feel more settled faster.

5.) A broken heart takes a while to mend

So amongst all this craziness and numerous changes, how are YOU doing? Remember to take time to look after yourself, and at first you might have to figure out how to do that. I know I did, emotionally I had things to fix and I was so impatient, I just wanted everything to fall into place because then I’d be fine. But, that’s not true, things take time: maybe you’ve broken up from someone, maybe you have lost someone, maybe you miss your family and old friends, there are so many new things happening, it’s hard to find the ground and just check in with yourself. Maybe, write down your feelings, meditate, put them into creating, spend time with people that make you laugh, focus on all the exciting new things that are coming your way; but in my experience, at the end of the day, no matter how much you try to heal yourself, the only thing that truly will is time. So don’t be hard on yourself, just remember “This too shall pass”.

6.) Keep connected with your family/close ones

Your family or whoever you consider your family are extremely important in helping you remain resilient and grounded in this whole crazy journey. In my case, my parents are my absolute world, and every single step of the way they are there for me, they believe in me, they are there to comfort me after the many rejections, and to encourage me to keep going. They are outsiders of the exciting but sometimes cruel industry and it’s refreshing to keep in contact with those “normal” people. They are my biggest fans. Take time in your busy schedule to phone, facetime and skype your close ones. Messaging is great but real conversations are better; With friends too, meet up, laugh, do something together that is not related to the industry. Don’t forget, during all the hustling and grinding, to have fun! Otherwise you will burn out.

7.) Train outside of class

Everyone thinks that you are training your skills when in class. This is true but I actually learn a lot more about myself outside of it. In class, I will take that knowledge, try to retain it and then in the comfort of my own room, where I am completely free and have no fear of anyone judging me, I explore. Nearly everyday, I put on music, and set myself tasks for improvisation, choreography or just practicing certain moves, I have learnt and discovered so much about my body and about the way I can move. If I discover anything useful, I write it down and remember it for when I am in class. This is completely FREE and you don’t need a lot of space: the lack of space actually makes me more focused on my body and where the movements are coming from internally, it’s a positive challenge!

8.) Always have a goal for every week

What is your goal for this week and how will you achieve it? By setting yourself a goal for each week, you will feel purposeful and actually you will be working towards something you want, which is such a great feeling! Especially when you achieve it! The goal can be as small or big as you like and it doesn’t have to be related necessarily to your craft. Maybe it’s that you will spend more time with friends, or that you will eat healthily, or that this week you will sort out your email inbox. By having something to work towards, you know that you are still learning and growing even if you are not dancing all day and everyday.

9.) Do not STOP

When you get low, and you will, do not stop! If you look at many successful peoples’s stories, most of them started out struggling just like you are now, and the reason they got to where they are, is because they didn’t stop. They say for every 10 auditions you get 1 yes.  If this was an easy industry everyone would be doing it, but they are not. You are doing it, remind yourself why, remind yourself that there is no one like you, and as long as you stick to being you, you will find your niche. It just takes time. Have a technique in place for when you get cut from an audition: If I get cut, I will go for a coffee, call my family, work on a new piece of choreography, treat myself to ice cream, go to a class. Whatever works for you! You WILL get there, you’ve just got to remind yourself, that being employed does not define your greatness, it’s your actions (how you react) that do.

10.) Gratitude

Gratitude is your greatest friend. It sounds cheesy but if you genuinely try it you will see that you will start to feel better. When you are feeling low, I challenge you to think of three things that you are thankful for, and you must actually make yourself feel that gratitude inside. I guarantee you can think of three things. We can easily lose perspective when all we can think about is the next contact, but remember there is more to life than a contract: people that love you, having a roof over your head, owning nice clothes, your pet, your friends…. You are actually doing a lot better than you think.

11.) EXTRA ONE Live Vulnerably

This last one, I had to put in. All of us wear masks, on social media, at auditions, at castings, with fellow performers. Of course, sometimes you must choose to be professional and if you don’t trust people then keep your personal experiences to yourself. However, be open with the people you trust. LIVE VULNERABLY! Mental Illness, Physical Illness, Injuries, Worries, Questions, Problems, Fear….Share it! You will be surprised to learn that lots of people are struggling with similar things, you will feel less alone, they will feel less alone. You will be rewarded for being brave, you will get answers, support and gratitude, because by being open, you will inspire others to open up, and you will be helped. This industry is a lonely place, and it may seem cut throat, but there are people out there that will welcome you with open arms, because if we all become more open, we will be less alone.

If you live closed up, people will never see the true you.

I would rather live vulnerably and honestly because then everyone knows the true me, no hidden agendas, no fake facade, no secrets. Then the people that love me, love me for me.

Just me.

Anita xx

Unsettled 

I need to write. Even though I’m in London now, I feel like I need a space to process and record my experiences and this is it. 

Right now, I’m sitting on the makeshift bed on my friends floor, where I’ve been living for a month, it’s nearly midnight I’m exhausted from work, legs buckling on the way home. My forehead is hot from the heavy cold I’ve been battling for 2 weeks and my eyes are watery from the conjunctivitis I have. Yes, this is not one of my finest moments. 

To get the point, I’m unsettled. Yes, maybe from my social media accounts life looks great, I’m accomplishing many things but in reality I’m very lost and every day is a surprise, every step I’m taking blindly, in the dark, hoping it’s a step in the right direction. 

To be honest I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just pretending, trying to keep my head above the water. 

Can anyone relate? 

I’m sure a lot of young adults have/are going through this but you can’t help but feel alone. Lately, I’ve been very dependent on myself because in truth I am taking this journey completely on my own and only a very select few are there for me, and I mean really there for me. I’m learning a lot about people and how confusing they are, which is funny because at the end of the day we are all human beings, why can’t we just all be nice to each other and communicate openly without hidden agendas, mystery and dishonesty. 

Ever since I returned from NCY 5 months ago I’ve been fighting: numerous “normal”jobs, auditions, classes, courses, singing lessons, writing to agents, making new friends, losing old ones. I’ve had setbacks I would never have predicted ; personal and professional, and I keep going.

I’ve been trying to feel normal, but I just don’t. 

5 months on and truth be told, I miss nyc, I miss the energy and I miss the people. I have this rule with myself that I’ll only return when it’s all sorted, when I’ve got my sh*t together, but at the end of the day what does that even mean!?  And I know deep down that I should be focusing on the journey not the destination.

So, here I am, in no mans land; in between a place I love and a place I’m trying to love. Currently with no base I feel like I’m just floating in between everything.  I’m trying to figure it all out but there is this big fog around my head. (Maybe that’s the cold :p )

I know one day I’ll look back on this and realize “oh if that experience had never happened, I wouldn’t be where I am now”. I know deep down, that this is just a blip, a stage of uncertainty that everyone goes through. It’s making me more knowledgeable, stronger and more determined. I know that around the corner there are incredible things just about to happen, I just have to be patient, grateful and have faith. 

“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.”

Anita xxx

Embracing Change (VLOG + BLOG)

Hi everyone!

Before reading this blog, please click the following link to watch my VLOG, then the Blog will make more sense 😉 Enjoy!

This Vlog was recorded on Wednesday 7 th June, it’s now five days later and I am in a different place mentally, so I wanted to show you lovely people the “BEFORE” and “AFTER”.

I have just watched a video called “Embracing Change” by Youtuber Kalyn Nicholson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmdiBqc8wus) and she brings up some good points that I want to share.

I am ready to embrace change, and let’s face it: My life is changing in every single aspect, Country, friends, relationships, job, training, dance classes, home… and after a week of craziness in London, I returned home to my Parent’s house in rural France and panicked. The events of the past week and of leaving NYC caught up with me, and all of a sudden I was feeling on edge, afraid of everything but at the same time not sure of specifically what. The excitement of finding a new job, filming a music video and finding a new place to live suddenly turned into overwhelm and for a few days, I was filled with anxiety, so much so that I suffered a panic attack.

Finally for the first time, I awoke yesterday morning with no feelings of anxiety and now I’ve processed everything I’m ready.

I have spent my whole life changing; four different high schools, living away from home since the age of 13, living in a new place every year, and living in three different countries…. What I’ve learnt is change is scary but also good, and every single time I have come out absolutely fine, I find my new routine, make new friends and new acquaintances, get to know my new neighborhood… But for some reason, every new change doesn’t get any easier.

This time, I’m making it easier for myself. Change is GOOD, it makes us grow, it teaches us even more about life. As humans, we need change because we need to be mentally challenged and stimulated otherwise we get stuck in a rut and become too comfortable. There are so many times in my life, I’ve been afraid of change because I was happy with the way my life was going, but I actually found that my life became EVEN BETTER, even more worth while and I became even happier. Right now I may think that nothing could be better than NYC, but it’s about perspective; every situation has pros and cons and even though my NYC life was practically perfect, I know my London life has some exciting things in store that I didn’t have in NYC.

Kayln also talks about embracing change, because the more you fight it the more the universe will fight you back and make you even more unhappy, even about things that are great. I’m going to go with the flow, and let things happen as they happen, who knows what amazing things await me… and I may miss NYC but I can’t just hop on a plane tomorrow.

You can’t always change you’re circumstances but you can always change you’re perspective.

I’m taking a deep breath, I’m looking at change with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eye… “Hello, We’ve met before haven’t we?”

I’m excited: Let’s do this.

Photo: Maria Luisa Mejia/ph.bylu

My Alice (not a dance blog)

have i gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.” 
― Lewis CarrollAlice in Wonderland

When Alice fell down the rabbit hole she was hurt, lost and confused. That’s how I felt.

The day I fell into an unfamiliar world, onto the hard ground that’s where I was left. I didn’t ask for any of this and I wasn’t given an answer. So there I was, stuck in an unknown world like a scared little girl. I still feel her pain but it’s duller now, the shock however has only just started to settle in.

What happened? Why was I so alone? Why was I abandoned? Like a rag-doll on the floor, I fell, like a rag-doll on the floor, I was left. I look up to see the peering faces of mysterious characters; concern, curiosity, annoyance, surprise, amusement…. eyes glaring, judging, questioning me. Oh, how I wish I could answer you…. how I wish I could tell you what you want to hear but I cannot. I do not know. I am terrified, I am alone, I do not know who I am any-more. Everyone is so big, and I feel so small.

The strings of my puppet have been cut by an invisible hand, my eyelids are shut by an unknown source and my head is pushed forward by a powerful force; I am a slave to my body, trapped inside, my mind is conscious but my body is not, I feel as mad as a hatter.

The ground is my new friend, it catches me when I fall, it’s firm, it supports me, it’s always there, above ground, friends come and go, support and help does not linger, it is replaced by coldness and prejudice and I am washed away by a pool of my own tears.

To this day I question; Why? Why? Why? Why did you shout at me whilst I was crying on the floor, why did you tell me to “stand up” and “pull myself together”, why did you tell me I was “fine”, When I injured myself one day “Oh she actually has a real injury” Why did my friends disappear? Why did you think it was acceptable to treat someone like that? In what world do you abandon a sick person?

I was not fine.

All I wanted was a helping hand, someone to give me a magic potion which said “drink me” on it, a cure, because I had no idea what I was facing, I had no idea what was happening to me, if I did then I would have stopped suffering. Many people in this world choose to suffer; I am not one of them….. and I thought you knew that…

But you obviously did not.

The queen of hearts still rings in my ears; I will never forget the comments that were made, the numerous collapses in class, the thousands of feelings of fatigue and dizziness, the weakness in my body, the confusion in my mind, the pain in my soul, the loneliness in my heart, responded to with orders,

I was absolutely terrified and no one did anything.

Today, a new chapter is being written, I have been dealt a new set of playing cards. Alice did find her way back home but when Alice fell down the rabbit hole, for now, she cannot forget what was said and what was done.

The Day After A Show

The day after a show always feels the same; I feel exhausted but so alive. My muscles are aching and still tingling from the night before, my mind is unsettled, not much sleep from going over steps, corrections and numerous moments that happened in the weeks leading up to yesterday.  There is a buzz in the air, a feeling of exhilaration and accomplishment, I feel happy, I feel complete.

The day after a show is a day of complete bliss for me, it’s the day in between the excitement of the performance and the day of “what next?” Time stops and I can just enjoy that my hard work has paid off and that I am doing what I love; performing. I feel useful; that my life has meaning once again; So this is why I train over 20 hours a week?! If it is, then all the moments of self doubt, pain and frustration are so worth it.

This particular show; The Spring Professional Semester Showcase really had an impact on me; first of all, I felt so free and happy when I was on stage, as cheesy as it sounds there were times when I felt like I was flying! However, it was the positive feedback I received from peers, friends and teachers which really shocked me, all that was going through my head was “Me!? Really..? You’re talking about me? and not someone else?” I guess like many performers, I doubt myself a lot….. I really need to stop doing that. I was in fact so shocked ( and probably the adrenaline too) that the rest of the evening I was shaking, and had absolutely no appetite (friends that know me will know that’s a rare occurrence) and was doing Grand Jetes on the sidewalk whilst singing “Bring on the men”at midnight, maybe this was the cause of my fatigue the next day, just a thought.

The weeks leading up to the showcase (in other words the month of April) were challenging. I am a believer that bad things come in groups and so do good things. It just so happened that during the month of April, the universe decided to throw quite a few unhelpful things at me; I had managed to get sick, then I had four separate injuries (don’t ask me how!), my grandmother became quite ill and a few relationships were on the rocks, there were other minor things too but the point is I got through it, I felt like I managed to take all of it in my stride and in the end I had a great showcase. What I learnt this month was to take time to look after my body outside of dance classes, which may seem obvious, but I’ve always been one of those dancers that says “I’ll be fine, I don’t need to do anything extra”. Well, turns out I do. So now, I roll out and stretch my muscles on a daily basis and I’m feeling like my body is thanking me for it!

Now, I’ve got through the tougher weeks, I feel like the universe is throwing me some nicer things now, and I’m definitely appreciating every single one of them!

Anyway, that’s all for the month of April, very soon I will be writing another post for May….

and it may be my last in NYC. I can’t bear to think of it, but all good things must end one day and new good things will begin again,

Anita xxx

 

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Want To Forget.

I don’t want to forget.

I don’t want to forget you.

I don’t want you to be forgotten by the person who we hold most dear; you

I will remember the cups of coffee, the perfect cups help by hands so wise. The absence of cracks in their smooth surface, their un chipped shape preserved by hands so gentle and kind.

I will remember, the soft carpet, a jungle of adventures for our cars and dolls, where many a dice was thrown and many a game played.

The pictures on the wall of relatives, of family, of us… the past and the present all under one roof, their frames lovingly polished, never a speck of dust to be seen just like there was never a speck of unkindness in you’re eyes

Every single ornament, object and book in that house was cherished as if it was the last thing to hold on to.

I hold on to the peace, that clock ticking as I sat there at the table, watching… as if the whole world had just stopped. The beautiful field, the birds, the water, the hot air-balloons, I could watch for an eternity… but eternity doesn’t exist

I recall, the many St Nicolas and new years eve celebrations, the childish excitement, the laugher, the magic… watching the soaring sky turn into a spectacle of colours, the hugs and kisses as the new year came upon us.

I still remember that first day, the first time seeing the house, so new and exciting; each year I have returned, taller, new clothes, new hair, older but always the same to you, you’re granddaughter.

The cooking smells, the games we played at the table, homework was always a chore, clean sheets, the clock ticking, the mirror in the bedroom, the tidy garden, the smell of rain, the upstairs attic with its hidden room, our designated beds…. I don’t want to forget

The smiles, your kind eyes, holding you’re wrinkled hand as I danced around you, you’re ballerina. The words exchanged, few, yet always enough, our languages combining

Every night was always the same routine, “Welterusten”, with a kiss on the head….

I don’t want to say “Welterusten” to this….

I don’t want to say “Welterusten” to you

I don’t want to forget.

No Man’s Land

So there is currently a blizzard going on outside, and I’ve been indoors all day, so instead of being stuck with thoughts going through my head I thought I will do the thing that I love to do and that makes me feel better: Write.

It’s time to update you on what has been going on throughout February and some of March and it’s going to be a difficult one as lots of small things happened but none that were exactly inspirational or life changing. I suppose the point of this post is that maybe it’s ok to be at peace with the grey area, or as I like call it; No Man’s Land.

Yes, ever since early February I have been stuck in No Man’s Land; in between the deep depression and mind blowing joy that life can bring, I have neither been deeply happy nor sad, neither profoundly inspired or uninspired, I have just felt…. well not a lot. Has anyone else experienced this?

The feelings I have felt have been yearning; a yearning for home, for the people I love to be close to me, for me to love someone and to be loved. All in all I am in need of a break and thankfully this week is Spring Break and I’m going to take some time for myself to reset and re-become who I truly am; energized, inspired and excited. I love the Big Apple, but we all need to press “pause” sometimes, do what we truly love and to be selfish; in my case I’m writing.

So now, a few things that happened this past month: -I turned 23!

-I went blonde

-I volunteered with ASTEP and taught under-privileged kids a dance class

-I saw Complexions and NYCB’s Sleeping Beauty

-I created my american dance C.V and Showreel

-I visited Canada

-I appeared as an Extra in a comedy sketch video

-I went to a Swing Dance Event

-I had new exciting Headshots Taken

-I had Brunch at the Boathouse in Central Park

-I was a Judge at the ISVP placement at Broadway Dance Center

-I took a Rockettes Masterclass

-I changed my concentration to split with Street Styles

-I took my first ever heels class

-I’ve started to Tap again

WHAT! OK, so I’ve just had a realization; I am so incredibly LUCKY! I’m just looking at all the things I have done this past month and a half, I’ve done so much. I’ve also had another thought; I am being so hard on myself; there I was thinking I hadn’t achieved much this past month and I was so wrong. Despite feeling a little down, I have done a lot that I should be proud of and it’s time to take a little credit for that. Many people have said to me “You are too hard on yourself” and I never believe them! Maybe now here is some evidence that I’m wrong. Maybe this is the first step towards the correct side of No Man’s Land…..And all it took was a little writing.

So now I challenge you to take a moment to write down a list of everything you have done this past month, be it as simple as fixing something that needed to be fixed, lending someone a helping hand or completing homework that was assigned to you. I bet you will be surprised at how many things you have achieved in one month, and it will give you a feeling of well-being and achievement, because as people we all tend to be too hard on ourselves.

I didn’t mean for this blog post to turn into a therapy session, but that is the beauty of writing, it’s a journey,

And let’s face it, we all need a helping hand sometimes whether we like it or not.

Anita xx

 

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